Back to being a full time mom

Writing has become a luxury in my life. With a house to pack, a 5 week old to nurse, and an 18 month old to keep alive sometimes just getting a shower takes extreme effort. However, things are getting better.

Nick's first week at work was my first week back at my job as full time mom. It was a hard week. I spent a lot of time in my car going for Starbucks or just driving around. Occasionally there was a practical reason for the drive, but often it was just to give me space to breathe. In the car, Abby sleeps, Noah sits patiently, and I can listen to my own music, talk to friends, or just enjoy the silence. I love my car. We are now in Nick's third week of work (which by the way is going very well) and things aren't quite as bad. I still love my car, but I don't reach for the keys as quickly. I'm learning how to teach Noah to be a helper around the house, and he is learning to play on his own. In fact, this morning he played in his room for 30 min without melting down. I am constantly amazed by how rapidly he learns. Along with extending his sign language, he also started saying "uh oh." So fantastic. In addition, we are having more opportunities to begin parenting Noah's heart as his range of emotions develop. When he throws a tantrum because he is frustrated I don't love it, but when we work through the frustration and he learns one tantrum at a time to manage that frustration it is so rewarding! I have realized that I'm not as much of a baby person as I thought. Don't get me wrong I adore my little Abigail, and I fully appreciate the fact that she stays where I put her, sleeps most of the day, and is just so tiny and cute. However, for the most part I think I see this newborn phase as something to endure until she develops more personality and ability to communicate.

I have had a few different turning points over the last several days, each of which has helped me extend myself a bit more grace. I really get excited about parenting theories and have spent hours reading. On top of it I am a perfectionist. Combine my enthusiasm with the reality of my brokenness and I often end up feeling like I must be the only mom who can't seem to get it right. Then I look at my two healthy kids and wonder how many other mom's have that exact same feeling.

Parenting theories do a lot of good, especially as they help us understand our child's development and provide structure for navigating the countless decisions and issues that come with each child. But there comes a point where clinging to a particular theory (i.e. Babywise vs. attachment parenting) prevents building community. I don't want to be the kind of mom or friend that is so caught up in doing it "right" - as I define "right" - that I can't be available to learn from and support others who do it differently. Ironically, Baby Wise moms (that would be me), who are most often stereotyped for being inflexible and rigid in their approach, too easily forget that one of the foundational BW principles is the authority of the parent to adjust the program based on the needs of the family and the individual child. Just as no two children are alike no two homes following the same theory will be the same. Maybe to my readers this isn't news, but to me, this is revelation. The temptation to compare myself to others and to wallow in guilt and self pity because I think I should be doing better is so prevelant. I pray that the Lord will continue to free me from that temptation, so that I can direct my energy into more genuinelly loving my family and other moms who find themselves at the end of the day thinking that they are the only ones who can't get it right.

In the meantime, back in the day to day reality of things, we are slowly packing. We have found a home in Medina, OH that we are really excited about, and the details are coming together. I thrive on organizing and planning, so it has been fun for me to put together the move. Our last day in Madison is July 30. I think we will be a little sad to leave, but mostly we are just really ready to get settled in our new city. Ohio here we come!