Repentance and Peace

Nick and I were enormously shocked and disappointed when he came home Dec. 18 having been laid off by TomoTherapy, Inc. Our immediate reaction, as anyone may guess, was filled with tears, grief, and fear. However, I am not writing to illicit sympathy so much as to inform and testify to the Lord's faithfulness. Before I continue too much into our story, I would like to answer the questions most often asked, so those of you who have already been part of this conversation please feel free to skip to the "What's Next" section.

Why? Nick's layoff was part of a 12% reduction of workforce by TomoTherapy. We know that they made several efforts to avoid laying off people including all the senior leadership giving up their bonuses. Some people have commented that TomoTherapy was cruel to move us and then lay us off, and we would like to point out that the severity of this economic downturn was not something anyone could be fully prepared for. We harbor no anger towards this company, and have been treated very kindly by them through the entire process. Nick's boss seemed truly upset at having to go through with this decision. Nick has also received a great deal of support from others in his department, including half a dozen job leads, as well as letters and phone calls offering support.

Severance? Yes! Praise the Lord for a good severance package. We get paid through the end of February, though Health Insurance switches to Cobra at the end of January. They also agreed not to contest unemployment, and have included all unused vacation pay. In addition, he has been connected with a company that specializes in helping people through career transitions by offering training, networking, and counseling.

Just before holidays??! Yes, and we were grateful for that timing. It actually happened the day we headed back to Virginia. We ended up getting a voucher for our tickets due to an incoming storm, and racing our way out of Wisconsin and Illinois in order to beat the 1/4 inch of ice that was supposed to start forming only hours after we left. We did beat the storm, and the drive gave us lots of time to absorb and discuss. We spent our holiday in the warm embrace of our family and friends, continually being reminded of the faithfulness and goodness of God.

What's Next...From a logistical stand point, Nick has a stack of jobs that he is applying to, a couple of which are in Madison, but mostly all over the country. We had thought that he might go back to school, but the Lord closed that option this week due to the unavailability of his GRE scores. (They get deleted ater 5 years, and he took it over 5 years ago). Nick is also starting to think about other fields he could work in, as he never really purposed to go into Medical Physics so much as it was the available option when he needed a job. We will keep you updated through the blog as there is information worth telling.

Repentance and Peace...More importantly than any of the job search stuff (and we truly mean that) has been the way the Lord has already revealed some of what He is doing as it relates to our relationships with Him. He has brought us into a season of repentance so that we could better know His peace. The Lord began preparing us two weeks before the layoff when our small group, who has been doing Tim Keller's study on Romans, spent two hours on Romans 3 (no one is righteous). Perhaps for the first time in my life I was truly aware of the extremely uncomfortable reality of the way sin separates us from the Lord. I left that night wanting to grieve my sin, needing space to accept the reality, before moving on to the grace of the Gospel where relationship with Christ redeems us from our sinfulness. Little did I realize at the time, that the Lord was preparing me (and us) for a season of repentance, for neither of us have been actively living in relationship with the Lord. We have not longed to know, serve, talk about, or listen to the Lord more than we do one another and ourselves. Our Bibles have stayed closed, our prayers have felt forced, and my heart, especially, has felt cold. We had often felt convicted of this coldness and continued to cling to what we believed to be true, but nothing seemed to change except the extent of the guilt that we felt.

As Nick and I began processing what this layoff would mean for our lives, the Lord was tangably present in our midst and we seem to realize over and over that our pride has blinded us for too long. We are finding our comfort and security in a good job instead of the Lord. As we daily respond to the Lord's call to repent, the Lord has begun revealling himself as the true Prince of Peace. Our pastor in Roanoke preached about what it means that the Lord is the Prince of Peace the Sunday after we found out. It was a timely reminder that the Peace of God is not situational. Rather, God's peace, enables us to live without anxiety and fear throughout any situation. We pray daily that the Lord would keep us from being fearful lest we be tempted by unbelief. We believe now, more fully than any time in our lives, that the Lord is alive, in control, desires good for His people, but values relationship with Him more than our immediate comfort. We are so excited to see what His long term plan is, but we are also tremdously grateful for this season of life.

I think it was Martin Luther who said that the Christian life is one of daily repentance. I can see now how true that has to be, because even as I write this I know I must check myself for my motivation - do I long to make you think we are "better christians" or do I long to shout the glory of the God as he is revealing it in our lives. For a long time, I think I mostly shared faith stories to show my own "rightness." I am so grateful that the salvation of the world does not rest on my being right! I do pray that in sharing this story you will glimpse something of God's righteousness, and I also ask that you would faithfully lift Nick and I up as we ask God each day to help us remember the things He is teaching us, to learn how to listen to His voice, and to not live fearfully or discontentedly through these days of unemployment.

Noah's One Year Birthday

Friends, I have a great deal to blog about, but before I get into the issues now surrounding our lives Nick and I are eager to spend a little time sharing about our first year as parents. We are so grateful to all of you who have helped us survive, and enjoy, this year. We praise the Lord His faithfulness and your friendship every day!

Our first year with
Noah Lewis Graham
12/19/07-08

I (Heidi) walked in last Friday after having spent four hours at the hospital waiting for and going through my 20 week ultrasound for our new little girl. I was reminded throughout that process of the capacity for worry we are subjected to for our kids' health and safety, especially during pregnancy. There are so many "potential" problems, and with few exceptions, hardly any way to know things definitively. So...when I walked through the door and saw my tall, strong, healthy Noah break into big smiles I felt a whole new wave of appreciation for him. He was quickly in my arms and being covered with hugs and kisses, as is the case anytime I've been gone for a while (or he's just being especially adorable).

Starting Out
It must be impossible to really understand how drastically having a child changes your life unless you've had kids. I was certainly very arrogant before I had Noah, but I became aware of it almost as soon as Noah was born. The first moment of realization came in the hospital when I discovered that even though I was recovering I still had full mom duty and shouldn't expect the nurses to come in every time he cried. I also remember the first time I realized that there isn't just one way of teaching a baby to sleep, and that every theorist adamantly believed their theory was the onlyright way. The only thing I believed adamantly was that I was exhausted and had no idea what was right.


More importantly, I knew within a week of Noah's birth that we are not meant to raise our kids alone, and I'm not talking about how many parents there are. Even if a child is being raised in a two parent household, at least one of them is gone most of the day working, which leaves the other (usually mom) at home alone to cope with crazy hormones and a demanding infant. Praise the Lord that He knows me and understands the importance of community!!! In the months leading up to Noah's birth and over the last year He brought along a group of women (most of whom were also having their first children) to form a community of support and friendship. Aside from the joy of getting to know and raise Noah, the greatest gift of this last year has been those friendships.


Watching Nick become a dad...
Has been amazing!!! Certainly he has struggled through as much, if not more, uncertainty as I have, but from my perspective Nick has been as selfless and helpful as I could hope for. Nick's job in Roanoke gave him little time to be around, but when he was home, Nick truly was home. I love and respect him so much for the way he values his family.

Nick also has the special privilege of being the best tickle monster ever to enter Noah's young life, and it is such a joy to watch them play together. I still maintain that no one can send Noah into spurts of laughter as quickly as his dad. It is a real blessing that we have more time together now, and as Noah grows older, and we begin to transition into the toddler phase it is my great joy to watch the same guy who tickles and loves on our son be consistent in training and disciplining him as well.

To Work or To give up the discount....
I returned to Starbucks in March, after maxing out every possible way of taking time off. I worked to provide health insurance for our family, and went back under the best of circumstances. My manager loved me and was willing to work out a very specific schedule, so that I only worked Thurs.-Sat. My mother babysat the first two days and Nick got daddy time on Saturday. Logistically I had no room to complain, but I am not made up of logistics. The first cost of returning to work was that Noah could no longer be nursed (and believe me I tried). The second cost was emotional, as the weeks dragged on I felt like every ounce of joy was being drained from my body so that I was in tears at the thought of having to leave. The third cost was to my store. I wrestled and prayed to stay focused on my job as a supervisor, but I knew my longing to be a stay-at-home mom was impacting my performance. Long story short, July 12 was my day of celebration. I did not celebrate leaving Starbucks, but I did celebrate the ability to be a full time mom. I do hope that I will at some point return to photography in some form, but for now I have no doubt that this is what I am called to. I pray that the Lord will protect that desire, and continue to make it possible.


Heidi, "Noah, say 'mama'"
Noah, "dada"

Noah has this special litle glint in his eyes. He shares it with his father, and the glint always seems to indicate that they have some special secret they are protecting. It is mischeif, delight, joy, and more love then you could possibly imagine all wrapped up in one little expression. He has that glint in his eye, every time we try to have the above conversation with him. To date he refuses to say mama, but I'm convinced he can and is just playing a game with me.

Here are some other fun tidbits: Noah...

has eight teeth - no particular favorite foods, but loves to clap after every bite that he enjoys - sleeps 11-12 hours at night - climbs up and down stairs - loves people - doesn't get seriously upset very easily - flirts every time we take him out - will initiate chasing games - wiggles a lot - is learning how to help clean up his toys - consistently is in the 97 percentile for height - will "sing" along when I'm playing the piano - likes to cuddle - handles change well


Thanks for Reading!! Heidi and Nick

It's a Girl!!

There is no doubt we'd be happy either way, but this is a special answer to prayer for me as I have always wanted a daughter (yes partially for the dresses...;-))

Her ultrasound (which lasted over an hour!) revealed no abnormalities except for one somewhat dilated kidney. Noah had the same issue in utero, which is what led to him being induced. You can pray that does not happen this time.

Noah is going to be a great older brother!