Moving to Ohio, Part 1

It astonishes me how many times I have started trying to write this blog. Today the kids are napping, the main level of my house is done, and there is nothing seriously pressing other than getting dinner ready so I'm hoping that I might make it past the first few sentences. I have decided to write the story of the last few weeks in two parts for the simple reason that trying to think through all that has happened in one blog is just too overwhelming. So let me begin with our final days in Madison...

Once we got home from the hospital with Abby I started creating our moving plan. I thrive on organizing events like this. In fact, providing for my family by putting together our move is very satisfying for me; it helps me remember that I have more gifts than diaper changing and meal planning. By the time the last week arrived I was full of anticipation! I had tried to prepare for potential problems, but I still expected something to go wrong. It didn't. Every aspect of our move went so smoothly - costs were as expected, people showed up on time, and the 6 day time line I had planned out was very effective. The most trouble we had was that the movers forgot to load our back up filing cabinet. We gave it to some friends who needed it, and now it is actually being used! As we drove out of Madison I felt very proud of myself. As I began praying I was reminded that it all went so well because this IS what the Lord wants for us. I am so very grateful He used me to execute the details of HIS plan for our family!
In the meantime, Nick and I were both trying to process what it meant for us to be leaving Madison. While neither of us have a great deal of emotion about leaving, we both feel a real sense of loss and unmet potential. With the arrival of summer we had begun to discover why everyone says Madison is a great place to live. In addition our friendships within our small group and my Titus Mom's group were really just starting to deepen. We were never in love with our home, but within that home we endured Nick's layoff, my second pregnancy, hosted our first family Holiday, saw Noah take his first steps, welcomed our daughter, saw our marriage tested and strengthened, and played at least 200 games of gin while looking out over a very white landscape. Madison is not insigificant.

Because of that significance I hoped we would have moments to celebrate the friendships and acknowledge this transition. As our lives were so scattered and our time so short, I held out very little hope. Once again, the Lord revealed to me just how deeply he knows me by sending me opportunities to say good-bye to our closest friends in meaningful ways. My Titus leader organized a play date to say goodbye (picture below). Another Titus mom called me up one day and said "I don't care if you are packing we're coming over. We have to say goodbye!" Two of the couples from our small group came over on separate occasions, brought dinner, and gave us some of the most meaningful adult time we'd had in weeks! I am quite certain that some of these friendships are the kind that will stay with us over time, even if only from a distance. Madison was not a mistake.Additionally, admist the chaos Nick's parents came to visit in order to help with our move. They had never been to our Madison home, and I don't know how we would have gotten through those final days of packing without them! Their help with Noah and Abby made it possible for us to focus on the move, and it was so much fun watching them play with their grandkids! Noah was a little shy at first, but warmed up quickly and Abby captured everyone's hearts as she usually does! :-)And now I get to the best part of the story...We talked to Noah about the move well in advance. As we packed things we would talk about going to a new home and a new city. We are always unsure how much he understands, but we know that if nothing else it helps build language and the context will follow soon. Finally, the last day arrived, the cleaners were finishing up, and I asked Nick to verify that we weren't leaving anything upstairs. Nick took Noah with him and as they walked from room to room, Nick continued in our process of talking to Noah about the move. He said things like "this is mommy and daddy's room. Doesn't it look different without everything in it." and "Look, Noah, our furniture is gone and on it's way to our new house". They got to Noah's room and Nick said to him that it was time to say good-bye to his room. Noah, in response leaned his head on Nick's shoulder and waved good-bye... I think the true emotion, the true loss is felt by our little guy who is having his safe and predictable life uprooted and is unable to understand that it will all get better very soon.We pulled out of Madison around 11:30a on July 30. When I pick up with part two, I'll let you know how things have been going since we arrived at our new home here in Medina, Ohio!

Sometimes I just have to laugh...

Okay, so tonight was hysterical. I took my first time away from both kids to do some grocery shopping. Nick handled it beautifully. Having gone through this with Noah, the idea of being on his own with a breast-fed infant doesn't scare him as much. As a result, I'm not nearly as anxious leaving Abby behind as I was with Noah. I walked in the door an hour later and they were all content - Abby in her bassinet sucking at her pacifier, Noah eating an "appetizer", and Nick had the pasta cooking and doing internet research. He said that the kids had taken turns crying, but his humor was still in tact.

Throughout the minutes of getting in groceries, determining what Abby needs, and checking in with Nick, Noah has been on and off cranky. It is later than usual for dinner, and understandably he is hungry. I'm not going to get mad at him because we made him wait, but he is testing us. At one point he crawls up next to me while I'm trying to nurse Abby, both of them are screaming. Nick and I look at each other and just start screaming over them. It makes no sense to be upset, we're doing the best we can to get everyone taken care of, so we just join the shouting match. Besides when we do that it normally entertains Noah enough that he stops for minute.

Nursing isn't working though and Abby is screaming. She is overtired and hot. She also just finished a growth spurt and so is off schedule. I realize that she needs to sleep and a bath would probably be a good idea. It has been a few days and she is really hot. I always sleep better after a bath!

Anyway...I finally get Abby in the bath tub (in the kitchen) and it has gotten quiet. Too quiet. Then suddenly I hear a thud, my heels get wet, and Noah starts screaming. He managed to grab the full gallon jug of milk off the kitchen counter and it has exploded on the floor. He is standing there looking shocked, very guilty, and quite sad. Nick comes to the rescue, employs Noah in the cleaning up process and the half of the sink not dedicated to Abby's bath gets the leaking milk jug...

Abby's crying stopped as soon as she got dried, dressed, and swaddled. We rocked for a while in the peacefulness of her nursery and she was quickly subdued, though every now and then a single sob would break through. She will sleep well I think.

Noah joined Nick and I for a long overdue dinner and ended the night with a face full of chili, a warm bath, "Guess How Much I Love You", and the sweet cuddles and goodnight signs of his bedtime routine.

Nights like this I am grateful for humor and bedtime.

Looks like I was wrong though, Abby needs to eat again....

Back to being a full time mom

Writing has become a luxury in my life. With a house to pack, a 5 week old to nurse, and an 18 month old to keep alive sometimes just getting a shower takes extreme effort. However, things are getting better.

Nick's first week at work was my first week back at my job as full time mom. It was a hard week. I spent a lot of time in my car going for Starbucks or just driving around. Occasionally there was a practical reason for the drive, but often it was just to give me space to breathe. In the car, Abby sleeps, Noah sits patiently, and I can listen to my own music, talk to friends, or just enjoy the silence. I love my car. We are now in Nick's third week of work (which by the way is going very well) and things aren't quite as bad. I still love my car, but I don't reach for the keys as quickly. I'm learning how to teach Noah to be a helper around the house, and he is learning to play on his own. In fact, this morning he played in his room for 30 min without melting down. I am constantly amazed by how rapidly he learns. Along with extending his sign language, he also started saying "uh oh." So fantastic. In addition, we are having more opportunities to begin parenting Noah's heart as his range of emotions develop. When he throws a tantrum because he is frustrated I don't love it, but when we work through the frustration and he learns one tantrum at a time to manage that frustration it is so rewarding! I have realized that I'm not as much of a baby person as I thought. Don't get me wrong I adore my little Abigail, and I fully appreciate the fact that she stays where I put her, sleeps most of the day, and is just so tiny and cute. However, for the most part I think I see this newborn phase as something to endure until she develops more personality and ability to communicate.

I have had a few different turning points over the last several days, each of which has helped me extend myself a bit more grace. I really get excited about parenting theories and have spent hours reading. On top of it I am a perfectionist. Combine my enthusiasm with the reality of my brokenness and I often end up feeling like I must be the only mom who can't seem to get it right. Then I look at my two healthy kids and wonder how many other mom's have that exact same feeling.

Parenting theories do a lot of good, especially as they help us understand our child's development and provide structure for navigating the countless decisions and issues that come with each child. But there comes a point where clinging to a particular theory (i.e. Babywise vs. attachment parenting) prevents building community. I don't want to be the kind of mom or friend that is so caught up in doing it "right" - as I define "right" - that I can't be available to learn from and support others who do it differently. Ironically, Baby Wise moms (that would be me), who are most often stereotyped for being inflexible and rigid in their approach, too easily forget that one of the foundational BW principles is the authority of the parent to adjust the program based on the needs of the family and the individual child. Just as no two children are alike no two homes following the same theory will be the same. Maybe to my readers this isn't news, but to me, this is revelation. The temptation to compare myself to others and to wallow in guilt and self pity because I think I should be doing better is so prevelant. I pray that the Lord will continue to free me from that temptation, so that I can direct my energy into more genuinelly loving my family and other moms who find themselves at the end of the day thinking that they are the only ones who can't get it right.

In the meantime, back in the day to day reality of things, we are slowly packing. We have found a home in Medina, OH that we are really excited about, and the details are coming together. I thrive on organizing and planning, so it has been fun for me to put together the move. Our last day in Madison is July 30. I think we will be a little sad to leave, but mostly we are just really ready to get settled in our new city. Ohio here we come!